Personal Statement: Antonio Fernandes Dias Júnior (April 6, 2026)
Hi, it’s me on April 6, 2026. I am Antonio Fernandes Dias Júnior. I’m here to say that I’m doing a bit better, though my doubts about life have only increased. I have religious OCD (Scrupulosity), and I’ve been accepting myself these days. Out of the last few years, the past two have been lighter; I’ve freed myself from a lot of religious misery, and I’m slowly letting go of the rest. I wish it would happen faster, because I’ve already lost so much of my life to this wretchedness. Yes, this is a misery in my life. It has always held me back in so many areas, and the worst part is that it is RELIGIOUS. It hit the very thing I had so much respect for!
I also discovered that the Bible is full of errors—what a disappointment! The book I based my life on is full of contradictions, just like me. I also realized that I invented a God, a Holy Spirit, and a Jesus who are also wretched—what a disaster! Why didn’t I discover this sooner? My youth was lost; I lived for this. What a shame! Why is the world so crazy? Why are people so mad? Why did I have to have this disorder? Why didn’t it go to Hitler, Pablo Escobar, Trump, or the drug traffickers in Rio de Janeiro?
Honestly, I don’t know how I didn’t lose my mind during these years. I admire my own strength and my will to live. Despite all of this, I love life. I love going out, I love my family, I love my wife, I love existing among people—I love so many things in life.
I also feel a deep disappointment regarding the things I believed in; I made so many mistakes there! Also, God doesn't cooperate—if He exists. I no longer believe in the Christian God with that same conviction. If I had to put it into a percentage, I think I only believe about 10% now. I wanted to believe, you know! But the Bible doesn't help; it's so full of contradictions that it’s impossible to accept—it is too detached from reality.
I am not revolted; despite everything I’ve been through, I’m just being sincere and speaking the truth for me to read years from now. Returning to religion: I’ve never seen a blind person see, a dead person rise, nor a paraplegic walk again through the power of prayer. There always has to be the intervention of medicine, of science. This messes with my mind deeply.
Anyway, there are still some things I invented in my mind that I need to let go of. I discovered the truth, but I’ve lived a certain lifestyle for a long time and I’m used to it—the guilt, the fear, the rituals (even if I don't perform them), the uncertainties. I know I won’t reach 100% certainty, but at the very least, I want to leave behind the majority of these miseries that have surrounded me for many years.
I believe I am close to overcoming these disasters that exist within me; it’s only a matter of time. Today, I am making a decision that will change 90% of my life for the better. If there is any God—in Islam, the God of the Jews, Afro-Brazilian deities, or a true Christian God—I am waiting for it to be revealed in a clear way; not a hallucination of my mind, nor things created by my imagination.
Today, I take a new path in my life.
